threadbare
where to go when life has you hangin' by a thread and even that thread is worn and tattered
threadbare def: tattered, worn, frayed, of little or no use
The worn edges of life show up in all parts of my life. I’ve been told I need to stop wearing life on my face. It’s hard for me to not show what I’m feeling, which is why you’ll never catch my poker face waging bets at high stakes tables in Vegas.
What I do know about threadbare living is that it’s exhausting. It’s an exhausting exercise in all the ways life can be topsy-turvy. In all the mental and physical gymnastics it takes to human every day. And I’ve still only come to one conclusion.
The only way out is through.
threadbare grief
If i had to tell anyone what strands make up the big piece that has finally worn itself to the last frayed strand, it would be grief.
It’s not talked about nearly enough, the complicated ways grief shows up in our lives nor is it talked about how people TALK to OTHERS about grief. How to grieve, when, why, with God, with others, not alone, etc.
I believe we are all walking around with threadbare grief these days. Here are some examples of my own grieving and recognizing what is grief even when it looked alot like other things including anxiety, anger, fear and many other emotions:
Leaving a church we loved and were part of for over a decade
Church scandal that precipated the leaving followed by more scandals all over the US and the world
Being tested and diagnosed with anxiety and adult ADHD along with two kids diagnosed
Congenital diagnosis for my son with chronic asthma on top of it
Husband running a business in a state where small business is dying and taxes are sky high
Recognition of family trauma and chronic grief over my lifespan
Motherhood and perimenopause
New home with persistent, chronic (expensive) issues
Walking away from belief and faith from old days into a wilderness of discovering what this could all mean moving forward with a different perspective on everything
Throw in a global pandemic for good measure
living by a thread
If you are living by a thread, you’re not alone. Any one of these threads, as my grief worker shared, is enough to make you put your head in the sand. All of these combined sound like too much. He is right. It is too much, when you consider most if not all of this was combined into a window of about 9 years if you start with my son’s diagnosis of a condition I also have (and it’s genetic so he got the condition from me). There’s more to unpack here, which I will do, but let’s just say this.
To all be walking threadbare through life, we all share this as well.
Resilience.
We can’t be where we are in this journey if we didn’t have resilience. The grit and stuff to make it work for us instead of against us.
Of course there is weeping and gnashing of teeth. There may be screaming into the void of existence and wondering ‘why me?’
I’ve had my share of asking when, where, and how do I hand my story back to God and tell him I would like a new one, please.
A do over.
Except, as I’ve learned in walking both of my estranged parents home, there are no do overs. We don’t get any other chances. Once it’s over, it’s over.
That is hard to acknowledge.
We also have no guarantees on WHEN it will be over.
I have gone through this on multiple occasions with my firstborn son who has chronic health issues. The fear and worry can feel overwhelming.
piece by piece
I’m not a seamstress. My mother used to sew and I think she taught classes on her old Singer. But I think there are a lot of lessons about how to get through threadbare journeys because there will be many times in life that will feel like we are truly hanging on by a thread. Here are some things we can learn about how to come back stronger when the thread is worn:
find thread to match
We need people, nature, our pets, God, and more to help us connect to other threads that help keep us going. To carefully knit us back together. Reinforce the garment/fabric of our lives (ok don’t quote me but I’m pretty sure that’s a commercial jingle)
tie new thread and cut off what what you don’t need
Look for what reinforces the thread. For me, lately, it’s nature. Anytime I can get my hands in dirt and feet in the grass I feel like I am creating new life from what feels worn. It is a long journey but it is helping me moment by moment reclaim and recreate a new garment.
use the new thread in a new hem
Take what you learned on the journey and grow forward. Let it help reinforce who you became as a result of this journey.
knot the end
If there ever was a phrase for threadbare living, it would be this. Knot the end. Don’t let threadbare moments be the end of the story. There is still story left to live and from it maybe we can all knit together a tapestry that will be more beautiful as a result of having knit all our threadbare moments together in the wilderness.